Bittersweet Blessing

This was a note that I wrote after our first miscarriage we had in October 2009. I wrote this in January 2010...

First of all I want to apologize to everyone who has messaged me over the past couple of months and I have not gotten back to you yet. I have been taking a short break from Facebook and I want to share my heart as to why…

In October Jarryd and I got the exciting news that we were pregnant with our first child. You can imagine our overwhelming joy and excitement when we found out! We were both floating on cloud nine and so grateful to God for such a blessing. Multiple doctor appointments came next followed by buying books on how to be parents (because we felt clueless), prenatal vitamins, unusual cravings accompanied with an intense appetite, feeling ready for bed at 7pm, baby name discussions, and day dreaming of the precious angel that was about to enter into our lives and change them forever. I’ll never forget the day that we saw the heartbeat for the first time! That was the moment that it all sunk in… I actually had life growing inside me! The doctor gave us the green light to tell our family and friends the good news and said that everything looked great!

The process of slowly letting our BIG secret out was so much fun (considering it is so hard for me to keep secrets from anybody)! The reactions were unforgettable and amazing! However, our release of this incredible news came to an abrupt halt at the end of November.

We were approaching the 8 week mark in our pregnancy and excited about our third doctor’s visit… elated with the knowledge that we were about to hear the heartbeat of our baby. I was glowing! The doctor began our sonogram, with the screen pointed towards her and making casual conversation with a smile permanently placed on her face. I was trying to read her and she seemed as if everything looked fine. After she was done with her examination she turned the screen towards us and with that same smile she began to explain everything. I didn’t understand why she didn’t turn the volume up… I couldn’t hear the heartbeat.

The next few moments will be engrained on our hearts forever.

She pointed to the fetus and regretfully told us that there was no cardiac activity. As if I forgot English for a minute… I couldn’t comprehend the words that just came out of her mouth. Once the horrific news sunk in… I lost it. I was gripping Jarryd’s hand so tight as his tears fell on my hands. I felt as if someone had sucked all of the wind out of my lungs. We were told that I would miscarry in the next couple of weeks.

And in that moment of immense pain and grief we felt the Lord wrap His loving arms around us!

I couldn’t wait to leave the doctor’s office… mascara down the face and eyes swollen shut… I dodged a dozen pregnant women on the way out fighting back the resentment and nausea. That night I was consumed with sorrow. I refused to call our parents because I didn’t want to make it real. Jarryd had to tell them the news as I laid sobbing in his arms listening in on their heartbreaking reactions. Jarryd went out and bought me sushi (my favorite), which I hadn’t been able to have for the past two months, to try and restore even the smallest amount of joy in me. I didn’t sleep at all that night… the tear soaked pillows made me feel as if I was drowning.

The next couple of days I was unable to leave the house. I didn’t want to face anyone. The thought of running into someone who knew I was pregnant and saying something was terrifying. This is when I began to avoid facebook like the plague because I was still getting “Congratulations” messages and I didn’t know how to handle it. Jarryd took off work to stay home with me and was so incredibly supportive. (I have the best husband ever!) I had to constantly remind myself that he was grieving too and that he was in just as much pain as I was. We were grieving the loss of a life. A life that was merely a vapor but that already had such a powerful impact on our lives. I ignorantly kept asking myself… how can you be mourning something you never had? But ignorance wore off and the understanding of what I DID have, comforted my grief.

Once news got out, the amount of love and support that we received from our friends, family, and church flooded our hearts. Our apartment quickly became filled with flowers and the hundreds of prayers began to be felt. I received dozens of messages from women in my life that had experienced the same thing and their words were so comforting and encouraging! My eyes were opened to the reality of how commonly this occurs and what a miracle life is! Every day got a little easier and more and more normal began to creep in.

Throughout all of this… Jarryd and I have not once questioned God as to why He allowed this to happen. We really did feel His love from the very beginning and are still feeling it today! As I am writing this to you, I can honestly say that I am grateful for the pain that we just went through. We have NEVER felt so close to the Lord as we have in the weeks following our loss! Our relationship with God is sweeter, deeper, and more intimate! We are now able to look back on this time and thank God that He counted us worthy to go through such a trial. And we rest in the truth that ANY amount of pain is worth it, if it means that we get more of God!

This has now become a part of our testimony and we see it as a bittersweet blessing! May God get the glory forever!

We want to say thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all of your prayers and support during this time. God has really shown us how blessed we truly are through all of this… with so many loving friends and family!

All my love,

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